I know it's been a long time since I've posted anything. The past couple years have been a real struggle in our family. Depression, anxiety, loss, and lack of commitment and trust have racked the very foundations of our marriage. It has become so apparent to us that Satan is very real, and very intent on tearing families apart. In the past I have loved recording our history, whether it is through blogging, taking pictures, or posting on social media. Through these trials it has become more difficult to keep track of all of this, as pain and suffering tend to be more apparent. I don't want to put a smiling front up, when we are clearly not doing okay but I also want to celebrate the good days and good times we are having. Thus the struggle of not knowing when to post, and not. The lessons I have personally learned over the last year are innumerable. I have fallen to my knees in desperation more times than I like to remember, but the thing I DO want to remember is that He is always there for me. Heavenly Father has become a real strength and support to me through these my darkest times and helped me to feel loved, important and strong in times of extreme weakness and sadness. Because of that close relationship I have also been shown my shortcomings and sins and had the opportunity to utilize the Atonement in my life in a very real way. I don't want to forget these experiences or things that I am learning! So I've decided to try to use this blog as a journal in a way, of the spiritual lessons and insights I gain.
Today in Sunday School we were learning about Enos. His is a very familiar story to me and I was really enjoying the insights others were sharing about his experience in the wilderness. As I read to myself Enos 1:8 I had a profound thought. Enos has just been forgiven by the Lord of all his sins. He felt his guilt be swept away and asked him, "Lord how is it done?" Verse 8 states: "And he said unto me: Because of thy faith in Christ, whom thou has never before heard nor seen. And many years pass away before he shall manifest himself in the flesh;wherefore, go to, thy faith hath made thee whole."
How many times have I read that verse before, and yet today it struck me with such force!
In life there are few urges I have felt stronger than the need to feel whole. I felt that need when I was in high school, wanting to have friends and feel accepted and included. I felt that need when I was in the dating game wanting and feeling the need to find someone to marry, to tie myself to eternally and to find true, eternal love. I especially felt that need when yearning for a baby in my empty arms after a miscarriage and years of doctor appointments, tests and failures. I felt that need when I realized my marriage was in trouble and that my constant and steady husband and I were struggling. I think that I am not alone in this. I think that we ALL have the need as humans to feel whole, to fit all of the intricate details of who we are, what we want for ourselves, and what is important to us, into a happy, healthy, whole version of ourselves. And it is SO hard to do. At least for me it has been. I started to think of the other times I'd read that phrase in the scriptures. The same phrase was used many times by the Savior in his time here on earth, most often after he had physically healed someone. He used it when he healed the woman with the issue of blood, when healing a blind man, and He said it to the leper who was the only one of the ten healed to come back and thank Him.
"Thy faith hath made thee whole." In this journey Justin and I are going through currently, we are both on missions to find ourselves. To really get to know who we are, how we tick, and really what we want in this life. As I have spent so much time thinking and reflecting on this subject lately, through scripture study, reading, pondering and counseling I have come realize that I need to be whole. Me. Myself. As much as I love, honor and respect my sweet husband, I am judged in this life separately. Yes we help each other, yes it is a commandment to cleave unto him and none else, yes I cannot progress fully in His kingdom without a husband in the new and everlasting covenant. But I myself am responsible for my choices, actions and feelings. I need to be whole, and healthy on my own before I can expect to have a healthy marriage, or really any relationship. And I am working on it. Like I said I have come to rely on my Savior and Heavenly Father so much more in the past couple years, and I cling to my faith which is constantly growing. Today I feel that I figured out a secret. That faith that I cling to, that faith that gets me through my dark days, that faith that I have come to rely on, can and will make ME whole. My Faith in Jesus Christ, my Savior and Redeemer is the ONLY way possible in this carnal, confusing world that I can truly feel whole.
I am so grateful for this insight today. I know this may seem so simple, but it really spoke to me. I have tried to come to terms so many times with the fact that I may never have children to call my own in this life, and it has really struck me to my core that I don't know how to be okay with that. It is such a righteous desire, and a commandment, yet I know that not everyone realizes that journey here in mortality. As I have fought my depression and fear about this fact I knew that in order to be truly okay in this life, I had to come to terms with it. Does that mean I have to give up hope, No! Does that mean that I'll ever stop wanting kids, No! But I know that if I lean on my faith in Jesus Christ, that I can be whole with or without kids, with or without friends, with or without a husband. I am so grateful that because of my Savior, I can be whole.
Regardless of the fact that I can be whole without friends, a husband or children I am truly grateful for all my friends, family, husband and all the children I do have in my life. My life is so blessed. I have so much to be thankful for everyday!
